People will dance around language like Fred Astaire rather than come clean and tell it like it is.
Well, here’s putting the mambo kings of misleading lingo on notice we’re on to their tricks and exposing their less-than-honest pronouncements (“in quotes”) for what they’re really saying (in italics):
“Some assembly required.”
What are you doing this weekend?
“Our prices are competitive.”
We're just as expensive as everyone else.
“If you continue to experience problems with your unit, please contact your dealer.”
Don't bug us; bug them.
“It'll cost anywhere between five-hundred and a thousand dollars.”
It'll cost a thousand dollars.
“Thank you for your recent application. After careful consideration we have decided to go with another candidate. We will, however, keep your resume on file should a suitable position for which you are qualified open up.”
Sayonara, baby.
“There's a 50% chance of rain.”
Your guess is as good as ours.
“Due to a combination of cyclical factors, shifting consumer demand and increased competitive pressures, your management is reporting a net loss of $450 million for the current fiscal year.”
Hey, don’t look at us.
“The following contains scenes of a graphically explicit nature.”
Check THIS out!
“Temporarily closed for renovations.”
We've broken our lease, stiffed our creditors, and are buying a little time to skip town.
“As citizens, we must shoulder the burden of this problem together...”
Brace yourself for a tax increase.
“...a problem we must see through to its complete resolution.”
A BIG tax increase.
“Don't you kids try this at home.”
Only a publicity-seeking, money-grubbing adult would be so stupid.
“I won’t comment on that until all the facts are in.”
I haven't the foggiest idea what you're talking about.
“First check to see that the unit is properly connected to an electrical outlet.”
Plug the damn thing in, moron!
“I shouldn’t be long.”
Hope you brought a book with you.
“Please excuse our messy apartment.”
Okay, we're slobs, you caught us, why deny it.
“Can I get you some coffee?”
I really don't want to get you coffee. I'm just being polite. Had I been sincere, I would not have used the word "get," which implies having to go out of my way, which frankly I'm not interested in doing. If I were serious, I would have said something like "How 'bout some coffee?" or "How would you like your coffee?" But I didn't. So take the hint, turkey, and graciously refuse so we can get with the program here.
“Officials of the company have repeatedly declined our requests for an interview.”
See, they're guilty! They must be guilty!
“We can still be friends.”
There will be a brief interim period before I dump you altogether.
“You have been specially selected to participate in this once-in-a-lifetime offer.”
We got your name off a certified chump list.
“These charges are totally false, they're politically motivated, and I have every confidence my name will be cleared.”
Well whadda-ya expect me to say?
“Keep off the grass.”
We're a shallow, insensitive organization, more interested in outward appearances than addressing the real needs of people.
“What does your father do?”
Which socio-economic caste are you a member of?
“Yes, I would like to receive more information about this low-cost policy.”
I hereby agree to have one of your smarmy sales reps hound me day and night.
“We’ll have to get together for lunch sometime.”
Have a nice life.
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© 2023 Jerry McTigue
Jerry McTigue has written for major city newspapers and national magazines, is the author of seven books and a member of the American Society of Journalists & Authors (ASJA).